7 Things You Deserve This Women’s History Month

I’m going to tell you a little story that will seem like a total tangent, but I promise will help set up today’s topic.

Recently I had a breakthrough about my difficulty with insomnia. Since my early 20s, I’ve occasionally had bouts of insomnia where I have trouble falling asleep one night, which sets off an anxiety spiral about falling asleep the next night, leading inevitably to no sleep, and on and on until I finally figure out some way of breaking the cycle—meditation, melatonin, CBD, THC, no technology for an hour before bed, I’ve tried it all.

Many of these strategies have been really helpful and I’ve continued to use some of them. However, they are ultimately Bandaids on the bigger issue that I get anxious about falling asleep, which annoyingly is both the cause and consequence of my insomnia. My primary care doctors have always been useless when I bring up my sleep issues, mainly recommending that I read books on insomnia, meditate, or workout, when I ABSOLUTELY DO ALL THOSE THINGS AND LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU. They don’t give out medical degrees in listening.

Working with my therapist, I recently realized that a huge part of the issue is that I struggle to realize that something doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. I sleep well 95% of the time, but I fixate on the 5% of the time that I sleep poorly to such a degree that it causes a lot of anxiety (speaking of, if you have trouble sleeping, check out my post on tips for falling asleep).

Which is a super roundabout way of getting to today’s topic. I put a lot of pressure on myself to behave in a certain way (i.e. perfectly) that seems suspiciously tied to the gender stereotypes and norms that are associated with being a woman. I’m not saying men never feel these pressures, many of them certainly do! And I want to acknowledge that I’m coming from a place of privilege as a White, cis-gender woman and so cannot speak to the added pressures that transgender and non-binary individuals and women of color face.

However, in honor of Women’s History Month, I wanted to list my very official, totally complete list of things that women (and everyone!) deserve but that many of us don’t allow ourselves:

1. You deserve to make mistakes and not have an identity crisis

I’ve always hated when people say, “You’re perfect the way you are.” Even though the sentiment is good, there’s no room in that statement for growth, change, or acknowledging that we all have flaws and make mistakes. I know the intended meaning is that you are perfect with your flaws/mistakes, but we’re still coming back to this idea that perfection is attainable and related to our identity.

Perfection is not attainable and so should never be a component of your identity. You are an awesome, unique, ever-changing individual who will absolutely make mistakes. We love when pandas fall down, silly pandas! Let’s be as generous with ourselves when we fall down as we are with pandas.

2. You deserve to take up space

If you are anything like me, then one of your biggest commonplace nightmares is being in a busy coffee shop without an out-of-the-way corner to stand in. Suddenly you feel the need to apologize for your audacity at being a living being that takes up any space at all. But you deserve to stand by the counter, even if people have to walk a little bit around you (just don’t be a total oblivious jerk, but if this resonates at all then I promise you’re not one of those people).

You also deserve to use the armrest at the movie theater, to uncross your legs during the flight, to crunch your chips in the office, and to speak your needs without feeling or being called needy (taking up space involves more than just physical space).

3. You deserve to be big (i.e. not diminish yourself)

Many women feel like they need to make themselves non-intimidating around men, so they act like they are dumber, weaker, less accomplished, or less capable than they are. You deserve to own your accomplishments and surround yourself with people who appreciate the badass you are.

4. You deserve to be the hero, not the martyr

I will forever be bitter that Game of Thrones did not end with Sansa on the Iron Throne. I’m sorry if I’ve ruined that ending for you, though I think the statute of limitations on spoilers is 3 years. However, Sansa went through an incredible arc, going from a martyr to a kickass hero, and it was incredible because we so rarely hear stories like that.

Women are often lauded for self-sacrificing, for giving their all to their partners, children, jobs, and saying things like “it doesn’t matter what I want, as long as my children are happy.” No! Enough of that! You can care about your children/partner/job/King Charles Cavalier Spaniel more than anything in the world and still have your own passions and needs that you actually pursue and articulate.

Can we normalize shifting some of that extracurricular time from kids to parents? The kids will be fine and everyone around you will benefit from seeing an empowered, well-rounded person who is not hanging on to sanity by a thread.

5. You deserve to earn more

It’s 2023 and there are a lot of things that haven’t happened yet that should have: hover cars, a female president, year-round Girl Scout cookies, wage equality… Many of the reasons for wage inequality are institutional or rooted in discrimination or both (like how female-associated jobs systematically pay less, rather than pay reflecting the job’s importance or difficulty).

However, there is one reason for this gap that we do have more control over as individuals: pay negotiations. Some studies have found that men are 4 times more likely to negotiate their pay when they’re hired than women and, because pay raises are usually based on a percentage of your salary, having a higher starting salary has a huge, compounding influence on your subsequent salary.

Of course, a lot of this is to do with female gender norms—wanting to get along, not wanting to look pushy or aggressive, not wanting to take up space (callback!). But you deserve to say screw it to gender norms and get paid what you’re worth. So research salaries in your field, advocate for yourself, and be secure in the knowledge that your male colleagues are almost definitely doing the same thing.  

6. You deserve to look however the heck you want

You deserve to part your hair down the side if you like it that way, even though Gen Z says it’s not trendy (Abby Wambaugh has a great standup routine on this). You deserve to keep or remove whatever body hair you want. You deserve to love your dimpled stomach, cellulite, stretch marks, wrinkles, and that line that goes down your forehead that’s now just always there that all show how much your body has done for you, how much you’ve smiled, and yes, how much you’ve concentrated on work/trying not to pass out while exercising/repeatedly correcting “ducking” to its original intended meaning in your text, etc.

7. You deserve help

You’ll never find a gravestone that says, “Here lies So-And-So, they never asked for help.” You’ll never find it partly because who would want that on their gravestone? But also because everyone needs help at some point. And I’m not just talking about when you’re a baby or when you’re really old. You probably need help at this very moment but are maybe not willing to admit it.

You might need help with babysitting or processing your emotions or working out that knot in your neck that has been causing tension headaches on the reg or getting advice on a debt reduction strategy. You deserve to ask for and get help and not feel less than for asking. Plus, people love feeling important and helping people usually makes people feel important. 

So I hope you get everything you deserve this Women’s History Month (and every other month). If any of these particularly resonated with you or if you have other things you’d like to see on this list, let me know in the comments.

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