Decoding Your Heart: How to Know When To Break Up

Relationships are hard work. I know! 0 points for originality. However, even a healthy relationship can have rough patches. So how do you know when your relationship might just need a little extra work? And how do you know when it’s time to break up? In our adulting journeys, many of us will encounter these questions at some point.

In today’s post I’ll go over my own tough decisions with breakups, relationship red flags (and green flags!), exercises to help you figure out the right decision for you, and what to do in the aftermath of a tough breakup. 

If you’ve ever read other articles that talk about how to know whether to break up with someone, they tend to focus almost entirely on identifying toxic traits in a relationship. I talk about those here too. However, for many people, myself included, identifying red flags is not enough to decide whether to break up with someone.

Many of us have been in a bad relationship, knew it was bad, but still struggled to know whether to break up with that person. This is also how people remain in abusive relationships for far too long. There can be a clear sign that we should break up with someone, but until we’re emotionally (and sometimes financially and logistically!) ready, making that decision can be easier said than done. That’s what the exercises below are for. To help you gain clarity for yourself.

My Own Toxic Relationship and Breakup

In my case, I dated a man for 5 1/2 years and disliked him for about 3 1/2 of those years. He was narcissistic, mean, and incredibly stingy. Want some examples? He frequently told me I was reckless with money… even though I’ve always saved almost half my income. He also yelled at me for donating money. And he avoided playing with my nieces and nephews except for the one he deemed “the cutest.” Barf, I know. That last one was the final straw for me.

At this point, you are probably wondering why I stayed with him for such a long time. The answer is complex. For one thing, I had pretty low confidence. For another, I grew up thinking I could “fix” people. And finally, I actually did break up with him 3 separate times. However, he threatened self-harm if I didn’t go back on it, a classic sign of emotional abuse and manipulation.

Luckily, I developed a number of strategies to build my self esteem and gain clarity on what I wanted. I was finally able to make the decision to break up with confidence. It turned out to be the best decision of my life. And now? I’m in a healthy romantic relationship with a person I’m best friends with.

Bad Signs in a Relationship

Hopefully you are in a much healthier relationship. But perhaps you’re noticing that something feels off. Is what you’re noticing a good reason to break up? Below are some of the key relationship red flags identified by relationship experts and therapists.

Before I dive into the warning signs below, keep in mind that I am not suggesting that if you identify with one or even a few of these signs you’re in a doomed relationship. Rather, if you identify with these signs, it might suggest you need to do some relationship work with your partner (and ideally a therapist) to help resolve concerns. Alternatively, if you identify with a number of these signs, you may want to evaluate whether your current relationship is meeting your emotional needs.

One-sided relationship. 

In other words, you are putting in all or most of the logistical and emotional work to keep the relationship going. This may mean that you are always the one trying to have difficult conversations (with little buy-in from your partner), planning quality time, and making sacrifices.

Unable to have meaningful, productive conversations about important things. 

A lack of communication is a huge warning sign. You may also be communicating with one another, but in a way that feels toxic and unproductive. Perhaps one or both of you are name calling, gaslighting, or undermining the other. Additionally, if you have a considerable amount of unresolved conflict (i.e. fights that never get resolved), that’s a good sign you are struggling to communicate well in the first place.

Hoping to “fix” your partner or waiting for them to become someone else. 

This is a sign you’re in a relationship for the wrong reasons. You may have a bit of a self-sacrificing martyr complex (I feel ya). Or feel guilt about past decisions that makes you want to atone. Or you watched too many Disney movies that made you think you could change people (feel ya there too). We really can’t. People can grow and evolve. However, that largely happens when they are ready for it. Wanting to fix someone is a good sign that you don’t truly love them for who they are. Harsh, I know. But just a reminder that it’s not on you to save them.

Going in different directions. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s valuable to have different things you are interested in and to have your own selfhood and life. However, if you share few or no interests, values, or visions for your future, then it’s a good sign you should reevaluate your relationship.

Finding that you have a hard time caring about the relationship and/or the person. 

Even a happy relationship takes a lot of work. If you are checked out, there’s a good chance you aren’t able to put in the work to repair the issues you are facing. As many philosophers have said, being ignored is worse than being hated. That’s because it signals there’s no emotion to build something meaningful from.

Don’t feel like yourself. 

If we don’t feel like ourselves, we may not immediately identify that our romantic partners are potentially to blame. However, if your partner doesn’t make you feel good, devalues your identity, is overly controlling, or has led you to shift your interests and relationships, they may have undermined your identity without you realizing it. It’s important to be in a relationship where you and your identity feel validated and supported.

In an abusive relationship, either physically or emotionally. 

Physical abuse is intentionally aggressive or harmful behavior. Emotional abuse constitutes words or behaviors that are not physically violent, but that isolate, frighten or control you. If you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse, I highly recommend seeking help from a professional. The National Domestic Violence hotline number is 800-799-7233.

Cannot envision a future with your partner and/or you are struggling to make a commitment with them. 

We may think that we are just a person who “struggles to commit.” However, an inability to commit can sometimes be a sign of a deeper issue that you are unsure of the relationship. You may find it helpful to discuss your feelings with a therapist to determine whether your doubts come from your relationship or something else in your life/history.

Good Signs in a Relationship

Just as there are a number of bad signs in a relationship, there can be good signs (or green flags) that make for a successful relationship. According to relationship experts, these include:

Trust and Mutual Respect.

You don’t feel the need to monitor them or question their behavior to know they would do the right thing. Moreover, you trust that they are always telling you the truth. Lies and deceit, in contrast, are big red flags.

Share Values and Life Goals.

It’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to the important things in life. For example, if your core values are compassion, integrity, and honesty, you want to find a partner who shares those values. Likewise, you should find a partner that shares big life goals like having children or living abroad.

Respect Each Other’s Boundaries.

For instance, if one partner is more introverted and needs space, it’s important for the other partner to respect their needs. Likewise, if you do not feel comfortable doing certain activities, your partner should never push you to do them. Respecting boundaries looks like giving the other partner what they need to feel safe and supported.

Communicate, Even When It’s Uncomfortable.

As mentioned above, good communication skills are key to a long-term relationship. This doesn’t mean you never have fights, it means that, at the end of the day, you are willing to hear the other person out and move forward even with a difficult conversation.

Spend Quality Time Together.

Good relationships require time investment. Some times of life will be busier than others. The important part is that you try to regularly carve out time to enjoy each other’s company and check in on your feelings, even if it’s for 20 minutes before bed or over breakfast before work. Doing so will create a more fulfilling relationship.

Have a Strong Emotional Connection.

In other words, you feel loved and supported by your partner. You can be very different people, but the right person for you will make you still feel understood and seen.

Have Your Own Interests.

It’s a good sign if you have shared interests. On the flip side, you ideally don’t want to share all of your interests and activities. Spending time apart will help you cultivate your own selfhood and autonomy. Plus, it will give you more to talk about when you’re together!

Your close friends and/or family members like your partner.

This isn’t absolutely necessary. Sometimes people just don’t mesh. However, it is a good sign if the people who love you most believe this is a healthy relationship for you as well.

Exercises to Decide Whether to Break Up

So we’ve gone over the good and bad signs in a relationship. However, you might still feel confused. Perhaps you notice some of those red flags in your relationship, but you also notice some green flags. Or maybe you just notice red flags but you’re afraid of losing a relationship that gives you a feeling of consistency and safety. Or your relationship doesn’t have any red flags but it also doesn’t feel like the best thing for you. 

How can you feel confident about staying in or leaving a relationship? Below are the steps I took to come to the decision to end my relationship. I’ve suggested these steps to numerous friends and have had many people comment that they were helpful for them and their ability to come to a difficult decision.

Talk With Your Partner

The first step I recommend is having a very honest conversation with your partner about your feelings and concerns. While these discussions can be awkward and uncomfortable, they can lead to important breakthroughs. You may even be responsible for some red flags you didn’t realize! Plus, this is a great way to work on open communication (green flag!) with your partner. If you notice your partner expressing openness to your thoughts and showing a willingness to grow, that’s a good sign.

Keep in mind that if you haven’t been in the practice of communicating, they might not respond with openness initially. It takes practices to have open and honest communication. If things get heated, suggest giving each other space and revisiting the conversation when you’ve cooled down. You may even consider involving a relationship therapist.

If your partner is not willing to have constructive conversations after multiple attempts, shuts you down, denies your feelings and experiences, or is not willing to talk to a therapist, those are big red flags to make note of.

Journal and using different colored pens to represent your mood

When you are going through a difficult decision, I highly recommend that you write in a journal for at least a little while. The entries don’t have to be long, but writing your thoughts down can be profoundly illuminating. As the blog Sarah Speaking outlines, journaling has tons of benefits for your mental health and clarity. I highly recommend using different colored pens to signal your mood. Using colored pens in my entries helped me notice things that affected my mood that I didn’t always appreciate. 

For example, when I was deciding whether to break up with my boyfriend, I realized that I felt happiest on days when I kickboxed or hung out with my friends or family. Entries on days where I did those activities were usually written in bright pink. In contrast, I often wrote with a dark blue pen on days that were spent primarily with with the dreaded boyfriend. This led me to invest time and money in kickboxing, while making me more confident I should part ways with my boyfriend.

If you’re struggling to know what to write about, check out these journal prompts from Simplitty.

Keep Track of How Often Your Partner Makes You Happy

Specifically, track how often your partner makes you feel over a week or two. To clarify, this is not how often you feel happy around them. It’s how often they make you happy. For example, did they make you laugh, feel appreciated or seen, or engaged you in a conversation you enjoyed?

You may want to keep track of this in your journal. I’ve also enjoyed using the 52 Lists for Happiness journal for this. Additionally, make sure you are not keeping track of this at a unique time in your life such as a vacation or over a holiday. You want to determine how happy they make you feel in your daily life. While it’s unrealistic to feel happy all the time, you want to feel like your partner lifts you up rather than pulls you down.

In the case of my prior relationship, this was easy to keep track of mentally. Over the course of two weeks, I realized he made me happy twice (and only moderately so). Pretty damning.

Assess the Best and Worst Case Scenarios

This strategy is actually the single most important and simplest tactic I used. Why did I list this third? No reason at all! I asked myself, what are the best- and worst-case scenarios for each decision I could make?

We often think about the worst-case scenario behind a hard decision—if I break up with someone I will never meet anyone and will die alone. Bleak, but we all do it. That predisposes us to staying in terrible relationships and ignoring real issues in our partnerships.

In my case, I considered what was the best and worst case scenarios of staying together. For me, the best case scenario was that I’d have kids with him and those kids would make me happy. Worst case scenario was that I would hate him and die feeling resentful and regretful. Pretty bad, huh!? And definitely no pressure on my future kids to be the sole reason for my happiness.

In contrast, the worst case scenario of breaking up was that I would not ever meet anyone in the long run. However, I knew I could have kids on my own and die at least knowing I’d tried my best. The worst case scenario of leaving actually sounded better than the best case of staying together! It’s not always that clear cut, but sometimes it is.

Spend More Time on Your Own

Spending time on your own can be hugely empowering. Indeed, it is a healthy way of figuring out what you want without the pressure of catering to others. As mentioned above, spending time apart from your partner can also be a good thing for the health of your relationship.

I’ve often found that going on a walk or hike on my own reveals my own desires with surprising clarity.

Seek Out Thought From Friends and Family

Going to your close friends or family members for feedback (and legitimately keeping an open mind) can be a good idea for getting semi-objective feedback on your relationship. You might find that your loved ones validate your feelings or give you perspective on things you were blowing out of proportion. That being said, try to always come back to what you want and what feels right to you. I recommend using this strategy after you’ve assessed how you feel.

What to Do in the Aftermath of a Break Up?

Let’s say you’ve assessed those red and green flags, gone through the exercises above, and decided to break up with your partner. First, I’m really proud of you. It’s so tough to end a relationship, especially a long-term relationship. I understand how much breakups can both hurt and feel freeing and empowering and full of new beginnings at the same time.

We humans hate change. We’re naturally inclined to resist change and to try and put things back the way they were when we experience  change. So keep that in mind if you’re tempted to call your ex. Do you really miss them? Or do you miss the feeling of predictability and ease?

Next, it is helpful to care for yourself during this time. Towards that end:

Take a break from social media.

You’ll likely be tempted to check up on your ex. Plus, pictures of people in intimate relationships may be triggering. Do yourself a favor and limit your time on social media. It can help to hide your ex’s profile as well.

Get yourself to therapy.

I can’t recommend therapy enough, regardless of what you’re going through. Even if you’re doing amazing, therapy is for you. In fact, when you’re doing amazing is when you have the most capacity to take advantage of therapy and its lessons for growth. Therapy will help you understand what you truly want as well as the pitfalls that trip up your mental health and sense of self.

Seek emotional support from friends.

While it’s tempting to shut ourselves away when we’re feeling sad, doing so is almost always terrible for our mental health. Humans are social beings and we’re meant to have a strong social life. Even if it’s hard, get yourself out there and enjoying life with your friends.

Find new hobbies or spend time enjoying the hobbies you love.

Chances are, you now have a lot of time on your hands that you didn’t have when you were in a relationship. One of the great things about that is you can now spend that time on things you love.

Set boundaries and expectations with mutual friends if needed.

It always sucks when the end of your relationship may mean the end of some of your friendships (or potential awkwardness with hangouts). Before ghosting mutual friends and leaving them hurt or, being on the receiving end of ghosting from them, I recommend talking with your mutual friends about the best way to handle a change. Perhaps this means taking some time apart or doing more one-on-one hangouts.

Let yourself feel the feels.

Even the worst relationships generally had good times. It’s okay to mourn those good times. Letting yourself feel all of your emotions will help you process the breakup and, eventually move on. 

Seek Out Inspiration

When I’m feeling down, I love watching movies or reading books that have inspiring characters. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve watched The Office episode “Beach Day” for Pam’s inspiring speech. You can check out this great list of books with strong female characters as well.

For more guidance on how to heal after a breakup, check out this post from Destiny Holmes.

Final Thoughts on Break Ups

In the case of the my own decision to break up with my boyfriend, the answers became super obvious after implementing the strategies above. Still, it took months of working on myself before I was able to come to the right choice for me and my love life. Adulting is a journey y’all.

For many people, there many not be obvious signs. It may take more or less time than it took me to come to a decision (I hope it takes less!) Moreover, if you are experiencing mental health challenges then these tactics might not yield clear or easy answers. If this is the case, I especially recommend chatting with a therapist. It’s also totally normal for your feelings about a partner to ebb and flow. 

However, I hope this guide helps you get a better sense of what you want and what makes you happy. The tactics above can also help you feel more empowered in general. At the end of the day, being empowered is the key to knowing whether you’re in a situation that is good for you—not your partner, not your parents, not the expectations that you have internalized from society and are now holding you hostage, but really, truly, you.

Finally, remember that I am not a therapist, relationship expert, or relationship coach. I highly recommend speaking to a mental health professional if you are going through a difficult time.

Do you have strategies that work well for you? Let me know in the comments! And if you enjoyed this post, please like, subscribe, or share with others! Interested in related content? You can check out my posts on eating disorders and mental health, tips for sleeping better at night, and how to make friends as an adult.