TL;DR
- Trigger warning: This post discusses eating disorders and mental health. If you are struggling, please contact a medical professional and/or the Eating Disorder Crisis Helpline
- Sizeism (or discrimination against people based on their size/weight) and society’s glorification of skinniness are big contributors to eating disorders.
- It’s estimated that 9% of the U.S. population will have an eating disorder at some point in their lives and a large percentage of those are men, people of color, and people who are considered overweight or obese.
- I struggled with anorexia and orthrorexia as a teenager
- My anxiety and perfectionism contributed to my eating disorder, so did some of the qualities that have served me well in other areas of life but got carried away in this case.
- I was able to overcome my eating disorder by spending a longer time at the table, making meals social and fun, being with people who normalized eating as an important part of being healthy, not using numbers to assess my health, and creating a balanced meal plan.
- I did not go to therapy or change my doctor and wish I had, however.
Background on Eating Disorders
Eating disorders are shockingly prevalent. It’s estimated that 9% of the U.S. population will have an eating disorder at some point in their lives. This is most likely an underestimate because many people with eating disorders never report it, particularly people of color and cis-gender men.
Indeed, while eating disorders are commonly portrayed as being a “White woman problem,” 25% of people with eating disorders are men and 20-26% are people of color. However, these groups are less likely to seek help for their eating disorders and are more likely to be hospitalized as a result.
Many people who are considered overweight or obese also have eating disorders, though this often is not recognized because diagnoses of anorexia are often based on a patient having a BMI that is lower than expected, not on criteria that is way more relevant for many people like mental health or changes in weight or behaviors.
Despite the prevalence of eating disorders, we rarely discuss them. They are still shrouded by shame and misunderstanding.
Society’s Role in Eating Disorders
Eating disorders stem from many things. However, society’s glorification of skinniness and rampant discrimination against those who are considered overweight or obese take a huge part of the blame. In surveys, children as young as 9-years-old report issues with body image and an awareness of diet culture. Studies have even found that doctors are more likely to mistreat, misdiagnosis, and mis-prescribe to people who are overweight or obese. For more information, see my article on sizeism and discrimination.
This glorification of skinniness, including in healthcare, played a huge role in my own obstacles with disordered eating.
My Personal Experience with Disordered Eating
Not going to lie, this is the post I feel most awkward about writing. No shocker, it’s easier to talk about things that highlight our accomplishments than things that highlight tough times in our lives, times when we lied about our behaviors, when we felt very self-conscious, when we knew we were doing something wrong but didn’t really know how to stop. It feels especially uncomfortable to admit that the parts of ourselves that often lead to our greatest accomplishments can also be our downfalls if we let them get carried away.
But I’ll stop talking like I’m the intro to a YA novel and be more straightforward. Between the ages of 17- and 19-years-old I struggled with disordered eating. Specifically, I severely restricted my calories and only ate extremely healthy foods. How healthy, you ask? I’d serve my friends chips and salsa at get-togethers and serve myself… salsa and spinach.
At the time, I would have been considered both anorexic (obsessed with maintaining a low body weight through calorie restriction and/or exercise) and orthorexic (obsessed with healthy eating to a point that becomes unhealthy physically, mentally, and relationally).
How Did My Eating Disorder Start?
It all started innocently enough. I loved watching Oprah and she was constantly espousing the virtues of a plant-based diet and calorie restriction. I remember one episode where she profiled people with heart problems who only ate plants for 10 days. At the end of the 10 days, their heart problems reduced or disappeared, they lost tons of weight, and basically had miraculous transformations. I wanted to live to be at least 100, so following this plant based diet seemed very important.
Plus I was a teenager who loved fashion magazines and wanted to be an actress one day. And I was an anxious perfectionist. And I’d experienced my first breakup and wanted to become so gorgeous and accomplished that he would regret it. So basically it was a recipe for disaster.
What started out as healthy shifts in my diet turned into disorder behaviors. I have always been stubborn, determined, gritty, and comfortable with discomfort, qualities that have helped me run marathons, get a PhD, start this blog, and… have an eating disorder.
The Obstacles to Recognizing My Eating Disorder Was a Problem
I recognized that my eating patterns were problematic, but how bad was it really if society was constantly telling us that we need to lose weight and eat healthy and be disciplined and I was doing exactly that? In our society, skinniness is often portrayed as virtuous . And not going to lie, you feel really hella virtuous if you’re constantly turning down ice cream. As mentioned above, our society’s discrimination against people based on their size is a key factor behind disordered eating for people of all sizes.
I can also now recognize that my doctor was, to put it in technical terms, shit. I don’t recall her ever talking to me about my weight loss without an adult present and not once. Not a single time did she recommend or prescribe therapy–one of the most obvious treatments for an eating disorder. Some doctors are getting better at recognizing the importance of therapy and mental health support. However, it’s still shockingly common to have doctors who are clueless about it.
Personal Obstacles with ED Recovery
Plus, if you have an eating disorder there’s a good chance you’re dealing with some deep-seated self-consciousness, anxiety, and negative self-talk. It’s hard to recognize that you’re too skinny if all you see are pockets of fat or rivulets of cellulite.
One of the other obstacles I encountered is that I hate asking for help from friends or family members. I’ve gotten much better at this over time. But for much of my life I would rather go on a literal quest to the underworld than ask for help. As a perfectionist, I also struggle with admitting that I’m wrong. This is another thing I’ve gotten much better at over time but was still pretty stinking terrible at as a teenager. I’m guessing many people can relate to these obstacles.
All of this is to say that if you have an eating disorder, it can take a massive amount of self-awareness, help, and consistency to overcome both societal messaging that skinniness is next to godliness (cleanliness can suck it!) and your own distorted image of yourself.
My Weight Restoration Recovery Process
So how did I overcome my eating disorder? Partially I can thank my Celiac’s diagnosis (plot twist!) One of the side effects of Celiac’s is severe weight loss. To be fair, the Celiac’s probably also contributed to and accelerated my weight loss.
However, I was honestly thrilled about it, I didn’t have to admit I was wrong or had been lying about my eating disorder. I could blame it on the Celiac’s! What a loophole! Sure, it sucked to have to cut out all my favorite foods for the rest of my life, but the joys of maintaining the illusion of perfection far outweighed eating bread. FYI, I no longer think this, I really, really miss good bread!
How I Overcame My Eating Disorder and Made a Full Recovery
The other thing, in fact, the main thing the first step that helped me overcome my eating disorder was going to college and living with a group of male swimmers. They ate whatever they wanted for literal hours. Becoming close friends with them and admittedly having crushes on like half of them meant that I too was spending time at the dinner table for hours. Why was that helpful?
Well, the thing with deciding to gain weight after an eating disorder is that it can be super uncomfortable. Not only are you overcoming all of your anxiety-ridden instincts, you also are adding food to a now very sensitive digestive system that is used to small amounts of particular foods.
People often said unhelpful things like, “I wish I had a disease so I could eat food to gain weight!” I’m not making that up, multiple people said that to me. But suddenly putting a bunch of ice cream in your sensitive stomach can mean that you’re in for digestive distress. And my Celiac’s making my digestive system even worse.
This is why sitting at a dining table with a bunch of swimmers for hours was so amazing. I suddenly had hours to consume food slowly. On top of that, they ate so much food it normalized eating more food for me. Eating became fun and social, and the negative emotions I once associated with my food intake began to evaporate.
Finally, I made it a rule that I could only weigh myself at the doctors. I could also not check nutrition labels (except to check for gluten!) Tying your self-worth to numbers (on a scale, a paycheck, grades, etc.) is a dangerous and inadvisable game.
Recommendations Based on My Personal Eating Disorder Experience
Of course, it is the rare person who will be able to blame their eating disorder on a new disease and start eating with a bunch of college athletes. However, I think my experience highlights some important steps in my recovery process that may be helpful for others.
I also love this list of practices to build self esteem and healthy body image from Sunny Days.
Remember that even if you follow all these steps, recovery is an ongoing process. You can expect to occasionally (or frequently) struggle with disorder thoughts, what it means to be a healthy weight, how to avoid emotional eating or binge eating, and how to maintain a positive sense of self.
The good news is that with the right treatment and support systems to consistently fall back on, it’s very possible to have a sustainable recovery. Indeed, I have found that going to therapy, having a supportive partner and friends, regularly journaling, and engaging in relaxing self-care activities like yoga and meditation have been incredibly helpful.
Eat a Diet That Is Balanced in Nutrients, Protein, Fat, and Fun
I still eat healthy. However, I now take a moderate approach. Breakfast, lunch, and first snack are always pretty healthy and often plant-based. However, I don’t look at or care about calories. I focus on nutrients, including protein and fat. Dinner always has vegetables, protein, and some kind of grain. However, my partner and I split making dinners and mine are usually on the healthier side and his are usually on the… more delicious side. I don’t worry whether dinner is higher calorie or has an extra helping of cheese or cream some nights. And I absolutely don’t give a shit about the healthiness of second snack. It’s usually Sour Cream and Cheddar chips.
I know Oprah and Dr. Snakeoil (I mean, Oz) would howl at how I load unhealthy calories at night. But I have found this is the perfect balance for my physical and mental health. Plus it gives me enough calories (usually) to deal with my pretty high training load. The right balance is different for everyone.
Beware Overly Restrictive Diets or Splashy Headlines
And that’s the key takeaway. No matter who you are, balance is important for living a truly healthy life. Beware anyone (or any diet) who deals in prescriptions: “You must not eat X,” “This is the diet that will make you live to 100.” Almost all of them are trying to sell you something (ideally for as long as possible). They’re rarely trying to make you healthier.
Plus, nutrition science is a tough field. It’s very hard to study the impact of a single food on our whole health which has been impacted by almost everything that has happened during our lives prior to the study. We only learn whether a food is transformative after years and dozens of studies that show basically the same thing. So beware headline findings that tell you this food or diet will transform your life.
All of this to say is, the classic, unsexy advice to eat balanced meals, mostly plants is well-established. Sexy, fad diets are not.
Learn from My Mistakes
While there are some things I did that I think are helpful for others, there are things I didn’t do that I think are even more important to learn from. Number one, I didn’t find a treatment team or go to therapy for my eating disorder. And OH MY GOSH I ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE! It’s basically the most important thing I could have done! I’m now in therapy and absolutely love it, it’s given me new skills and healthy ways of approaching some of my anxieties and difficulties with self image.
If you’re struggling with disordered eating (or disordered exercising or any kind of mental health disorder) and can afford it, get yourself to therapy and a supportive medical professional. It’s important to develop a good treatment plan with medical and mental health professionals. For guidance on finding the right mental health professional, check out this guide from Sunny Days.
Additionally, there are lots of great support groups out there that can support you in your recovery journey.
I feel like there’s increasing support for mental health and sharing struggles with mental health. However, it can still be hard to talk about. I wish I had recognized that my eating disorder experience was not a failure on my part or anything to be ashamed of, but a disease to be treated.
Other Resources
The Emily Program is a leader in eating disorder recovery and has a number of great resources. The National Eating Disorders Association also has a helpline and help finder tool to identify treatment options and treatment center locations that might be good fits.
If you or your child has been victimized through social media because of their weight, you can reach out to the Social Media Victims Law Center. For their contact info and more great information on this topic, follow this link.
I hope this was helpful! Feel free to send me questions and remember that I am not a therapist or medical professional. Please consult with a medical professional if you think you have an eating disorder.
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