At some point we all have to make a hard decision, most likely we’ll have to make many hard decisions. I remember being a kid and thinking how great it would be to grow up: I’d get to buy all the Reese’s Peanut Butter cups I want, I’d go to Disneyland every year, and I’d live in a house in Seattle that cost $200,000 and that I’d furnish at Lowe’s. At 9-years-old, I literally had my Dad take me and my friend to Lowe’s so we could pick out our future appliances and I budgeted $200,000 plus an extra $20,000 for furnishings, I was a very practical child who did not yet understand inflation.
The problem is that, as kids, we almost never understand the amount of responsibility that comes with being an adult and the number of hard decisions that result. I do buy an awful lot of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, but I don’t go to Disneyland every year because I’m saving up for a house that, turns out, costs more like $750,000 in Seattle (at least).
My Own Hard Decisions
There are a few especially hard decisions I’ve had to make: breaking up with a guy I dated for 5 1/2 years, leaving academia after getting my PhD despite a lot of pressure not to (see this post for more info about that decision), and deciding not to buy a condo after months of searching (and see this post about that decision). In all cases, I have been incredibly happy with the decision I made and, after the fact, the right decision felt very obvious. But in the moment, those decisions were all hard and took time.
Whenever I have a hard decision to make, there are a few key strategies I use that have helped me come to a decision and feel confident about it.
Strategies for Making a Hard Decision
Journal and using different colored pens to represent your mood
The entries don’t have to be long, but writing my thoughts down and using color helps me notice things that affect my mood that I don’t always appreciate. For example, when I was deciding whether to break up with my boyfriend, I realized that I felt happiest on days when I kickboxed or hung out with my friends or family, entries with those activities were usually written in bright pink. Dark blue was frequently used on days that were spent with with the dreaded ex. This led me to invest time and money in kickboxing, while making me more confident I should break up with my boyfriend.
If you’re just getting started, check out Why We Journal, including their article on journaling for anxiety.
If You Are Deciding Whether to End a Relationship, Keep Track of How Often They Make You Happy
Specifically, track how they make you feel over a week or two. To clarify, this is not how often you feel happy around them or the thing, it’s how often they/the thing make you happy. It can be helpful to do this in your journal (I’ve also used the 52 Lists for Happiness journal).
In the case of my prior relationship, this was easy to do mentally. Over the course of two weeks, I realized he made me happy twice (and only moderately so). Pretty damning.
Assess the Best and Worst Case Scenarios
This strategy is actually the single most important and simplest tactic I used. Why is it third? No reason at all! I asked myself, what are the best- and worst-case scenarios for each direction I could take?
We often think about the worst-case scenario behind a hard decision—if I break up with someone I will never meet anyone and will die alone, if I change careers I won’t find a job and will lose all my savings! But that predisposes us to staying in a situation we don’t want to be in.
For breaking up, I considered what are the best and worst case scenarios of staying together. For me, the best case scenario was that I’d have kids with him who would make me happy, worst case scenario was that I would hate him and die feeling resentful and regretful. Pretty bad, huh!? In contrast, the worst case scenario of breaking up is that I would not ever meet anyone but could have kids on my own and die at least knowing I’d tried my best, which sounded better than the best case of staying together! It’s not always that clear cut, but sometimes it is.
Spend More Time on Your Own
It can be hugely empowering to do things on your own and can help you figure out what you want without the pressure of catering to others. I’ve often found that going on a walk or hike on my own reveals my own desires with surprising clarity.
Seek Out Thought From Friends and Family
Going to your friends or family for feedback (and legitimately keeping an open mind) can be helpful for validating your feelings or putting perspective on things you may be blowing out of proportion. That being said, try to always come back to what you want and what feels right to you. I recommend using this strategy after you’ve assessed how you feel.
Test Drive a Decision
If you are thinking of breaking up with someone, try spending more time on your own (and you get to kill two birds with one stone since, as mentioned above, spending time alone can be very empowering and helpful!) If you are thinking of changing jobs, you might consider trying out a side-hustle that incorporates elements of the job you want, like freelancing or tutoring in the area you’re interested in.
A more low-key option is setting up some informational interviews with people who are in the job you want. If you are thinking of moving, consider spending a couple of weeks in the place you’d like to move to if possible or, similar to the job recommendation, try to find people who live in the area (through friends or family, for example) and ask their thoughts on what it’s like to live there.
Final Thoughts
In the case of the my own decision to break up with my boyfriend and leave academia (again, more info in this post on that decision), I was in a pretty dramatic situation where the answers became super obvious after implementing these strategies. For many people, the answers will be less obvious. It’s also totally normal for your feelings about a partner/job/friendship/location to ebb and flow. One moment you may be cursing out your boss and the next moment loving the work you do.
If you are experiencing mental illness then these tactics might not yield clear or easy answers one way or the other as well. And keep in mind that I am not a therapist of any kind and therapy can be super helpful for navigating life’s challenges.
However, these tactics might help you get a better sense of what you want and what makes you happy. They can also help you feel more empowered in general, which is the key to knowing whether you’re in a situation that is good or bad for you. That bears repeating: being empowered is the key to knowing whether you’re in a situation that is good for you—not your partner, not your parents, not the expectations that you have internalized from society and are now holding you hostage, but really, truly, you.
Do you have strategies that work well for you? Let me know in the comments! And if you enjoyed this post and/or feel like it might be useful for others, I would love for you to like, subscribe, or share.