How to Make Friends as An Adult (Even with Social Anxiety!)

Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends As An Adult?

Remember how easy it was to make friends as a kid? Even for a shy, socially awkward kid like me, it was pretty straightforward. You approached another kid at recess and asked them to be your friend. Maybe you’d put in a little groundwork first by playing a round of a game with them. Or maybe doing a project with them in class. But then again, maybe you didn’t even do that. 

As kids we had time literally set aside during school for leisure and socializing. We personal assistants (i.e. parents) to arrange get-togethers. And our friends almost always lived nearby. There were none of the time/geography/motivation barriers that prevent us from making and maintaining friendships as adults.

Friendships Are Super Important for Lifelong Health

However, having friends as an adult is just as important as having friends as a kid. Studies show that people with close friends live longer, healthier, happier lives. And they have fewer mental health problems than people with no close friendships. Social interaction is truly key to both our physical and mental health. That may not sound groundbreaking. But in an era when it is glorified to cancel plans with friends, it sure feels like making time for friendships is revolutionary.

Raising Your Friendship Standards

As I have gotten older, I’ve found it harder and harder to make plans with old friends. People often have limited free time, cancel on plans last minute, or live far away. For many of my childhood friends, we’ve grow apart and find we have less in common than we did when we could all make fun of our high school teachers together. 

With time becoming more precious, I’ve found that I largely want to cultivate friendships with people who are reliable and caring, whose company I enjoy, who are as interested in knowing me as I am interested in knowing them (no steamrollers, please!), and who share similar interests.

Raising your friendship standards can mean that your friend circle shrinks a lot and may necessitate creating new relationships. Moving to a new place and/or developing new hobbies you want to share with others are also reasons you might be looking for new friends. 

But how do you meet new people? And how do you get them to be your friend? Moreover, how do you turn those friendships into truly meaningful connections? After years of attempting to cultivate new friendships (sometimes successfully, sometimes not so successfully) I’ve found the following places and tips to be great options.

Where to Meet Friends As An Adult

Making new friends can feel super intimidating. However, one of the best ways (and easiest ways!) to make new friends is to seek out communities that share common interests with you. You don’t need to worry about finding topics for conversation, because you’ll already know you share some common ground. For example, a great place to meet friends if you’re an animal lover is volunteering at a dog shelter. Or if you love running, you could join a local running group. I provide more ideas below.

• Ask a coworker to lunch/coffee.
• Find a pub trivia team to join.
• Volunteer for a local organization or for an event like a trail cleanup.
• Attend a Meetup Group. There are Meetup Groups for almost any interest you have, from gaming to hiking. You can pretty much always find a local group that aligns with your interests.
• Join a run club or fitness group that aligns with your interests. 
• Attend a continuing education class like woodworking, pottery, or other class with lots of interaction. You can find these classes at your local community college or community center.
• Join an adult sports league.
• Use Facebook Groups. For example, I knew a woman who joined a Facebook group for knitting and ended up meeting with friends she made in the group in real life. As another example, my partner is a sailboat rigger who sometimes participates in local sailboat races. Sailboat teams often look for people to join their team on the race’s Facebook page. And I belong to local Facebook groups for hiking and climbing. Many people are looking for people to climb or hike with on these pages.
• Attend local events like car shows, antique fairs, or other events that capitalize on your interests.
• Join or start a book club. You can ask your local librarian, book store clerk, or community center about book clubs in your area.
• Go to your local dog park. Nothing breaks the ice like commenting on another person’s cute dog.
• Attend a networking event in your industry. Honestly this sounds like my worst nightmare. But if you’re an outgoing person, than this might be a good option for you!

Other Options

I’ve also had friends who have had luck using the Bumble for friends app. The key for them was honing in on people with overlapping, unique interests. In her case, playing Poker competitively!

I’ve also created friendships with people I met on day trips through the outdoor store REI. As a more elaborate option, I’ve made friends through group trips I took with G Adventures when I was single. Those friendships tended not to last as long because of geographic distance and the difficulty of making consistent plans. However, even when friendships don’t work out, the process of trying to make friends can be hugely empowering.

Finally, I am a big fan of rekindling friendships with people you used to be friends with (or friendly acquaintances with). It can feel awkward at first. But reaching out via text or social media, telling that person how great they are, and asking if they’d be interested in getting together soon can be a fast way to a great friendship.

Of course, after suggesting you get together, you need to actually make good and set up a date pretty much immediately. If they hedge too much or cancel multiple times, let that prospective friendship go. They’re not worth your time.

How to Ask Someone to Be Your Friend

As an adult, attempting to start a new friendship is like asking someone on a date. You literally ask them if they’d like to do something first date worthy. This generally means a low-key activity that doesn’t require a ton of time if things end up being awkward. Going for a walk, to get a drink, or participate in a shared interest activity are all great options.

If it’s someone you see regularly, you can literally just text/message/ask in person: “Hey, would you be interested in grabbing a drink after [work/class/whatever] sometime soon?” I have used that exact line on a coworker and my kickboxing instructor. 

If it’s someone you just met, I use the following line: “Hey! It was great meeting you! Would you be interested in exchanging numbers? I’d love to hang out again sometime.” I’ve used that line on 4 or 5 women I’ve met through various classes and events. In no case has anyone ever turned me down or made me feel bad.

The key is to then send a text message within the next day or two asking if they’d like to set up a hangout. You want to reach out soon after you met each other because this is a good time to capitalize on the fun energy you shared and get them excited about hanging out again. If you go too long, people might feel less like making the effort to hang out with someone they don’t know well.

The Importance of Consistency

If you both had fun, you’ll ideally set up a time to hang out again soon. Or, even better, set up a consistent schedule to hang out. For example, I go for walks every other week with a friend I met at a work event, get monthly drinks with a coworker friend, and do (almost) weekly runs and trivia (on different days) with a friend I’ve known since childhood but who I’d grown apart from before rekindling the friendship a few years ago.

How to Deal with Social Anxiety While Trying to Make Friends

As I mentioned above, I was a shy, socially awkward kid. I worked really, really hard to overcome the most crippling elements of my social anxiety. In high school I gave myself a challenge to compliment one person I wasn’t friends with every day. Unfortunately, my high school class was really small so I ran out of people to give compliments to pretty quickly, but it was still great practice and the exposure of talking to people I didn’t know well helped give me confidence and got me out of my comfort zone. Acting social became something of a self-fulfilling prophecy where I ended up becoming more social. 

The good news is that this isn’t unique to me. Psychologists call this the “mere exposure effect.” Increasing your exposure to something you fear is one of the best ways of overcoming that fear.

Exposure Practices to Make Things Easier

If you have social anxiety, I recommend giving yourself your own challenge and, like me, starting small. Don’t challenge yourself to go to a big networking event where you don’t know anyone first thing. Instead, your first step might be to smile at the people you pass on the street, join a Facebook interest group and post one message a day or a week, or say “hi” to the baristas or grocery store checkout clerks when you’re out. Giving yourself some light practice in socializing with people outside of your social circle can be a great way to build the confidence to socialize with people in more depth.

When you’re ready to try meeting new friends, I’d again recommend looking for venues where you can meet people that share your interests. Having built-in conversation topics can help take some of the anxiety out of socializing with new connections.

You may also consider using your existing social network to meet mutual friends. You might have a friend come along with you to an event or have a 3-way hangout with a friend they think you would like. Having a friend with you can take some of the anxiety out of meeting new people. However, remember not to only socialize with your friend the whole time and remove the point of trying to meet new people!

Similarly, going to a place like a dog park where you can bring your pet can also give you a bit of a security blanket. Your pet can give you a good chance to take a breather if socializing with new people starts to feel overly stressful.

How to Grow a Friendship

Trying to establish a friendship is the most stressful part of making new friends, in my opinion. However, the hard work is actually maintaining those friends for the long haul. One of the most important things for becoming great friends with someone is spend time with them.

However, many of us have less time available than we’d like and it’s easy for our schedules to fill up fast. Setting up a consistent time to hang out that is predictable and can be built into your schedule is the best way I know of for making sure a friendship persists. It is also super helpful to make the thing you do something that you would do even without your friend and so can easily build into your schedule.

For example, my friend and I are both runners, we run without each other, but running together is way more fun. I also love going for walks and frequently do them on my own so a walk with a friend is one of my favorite things. You may be someone who loves going out to dinner regularly—inviting a friend along who similarly loves eating out could be your great friend “date” option. Or perhaps you’re into yoga and could invite a friend to a class.

The point is, friendships, especially close friendships, require consistency. Finding an activity and cadence you both can regularly commit to is the fastest and most rewarding path towards building closer friendships. Indeed, this is how all of my adulthood best friendships have come to be.

Final Thoughts

Having close social relationships is the best thing we can do for our lifelong health and wellbeing. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s really not. True friends are key to our mental and physical health. And research finds that loneliness is as harmful for our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day!

The good news is that making social connections as an adult is easier than many people think. And a lot of people are looking for adult friendships these days, especially with many people moving to new cities, states, and even countries.

To make new friends, look for local groups and activities that allow you to meet people with shared interests. One of the good things about social media is that it has made finding these groups easier than ever. You might also consider using your existing social network to help introduce you to new friends.

Once you meet new people, becoming friends with them is a lot like asking someone on a date. It’s a little nerve wracking, but so rewarding. And the good thing is that they’re way more likely to say “yes” than if you were to ask someone on a date.

Finally, good friendships take work. Establishing consistent times to see people and share in activities you enjoy is one of the best ways of making sure your personal relationships turn into best friendships.

I hope you enjoyed this post. If you enjoyed it, please consider liking, subscribing, or sharing. I always really appreciate it! And if you’re interested in related content, check out my posts on why the joy of missing out may be wrecking your health, 34 eco-friendly gift ideas for everyone on your list, and inexpensive, romantic date ideas.