How to Manage Family Conflict During the Holidays

We’ve all heard that the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year. However, for those who experience family conflict, the holidays can be filled with stress and family drama. It’s hard to enjoy time with family members when they put you on edge or when screaming matches might occur. What is the best way to manage interpersonal conflict at these big family gatherings? And when can you let those frustrating or even infuriating comments slide and when should you speak up?

While there are no easy or right answers to these questions, learning to manage conflict is a key adulting skill. The more we can build these skills, the better time we are likely to have over the Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Christmas dinner table.

Plus, the wonderful thing about building conflict management skills is that they have benefits for our personal lives as well. For example, they can improve communication in our relationships and help us set boundaries at work and home. So in this post I aim to provide helpful tips for managing difficult relatives and emotions at all your holiday gatherings.

Because this guidance is for all readers, I have aimed to avoid commenting on specific political issues or other polarizing topics. The take home message is to try to be compassionate towards yourself and others. Let’s take a few deep breaths together and dive in.

The Classic Family Conflict

We’ve all probably experienced some variation of the following dinner table conversation. Your extended family is gathered. You’re having a really good time despite the different personalities at the table. Maybe this year you’ll get out of any dreaded intergenerational conflicts or fights about different perspectives.

But then that one person just has to make a polarizing comment. They know it will cause conflict, but they frame it as though everyone will agree. Something like, “Isn’t it crazy that [insert name] did [insert thing]?” or “Can you believe what they’re doing at [X]?”

Suddenly the family celebrations are halted as political views (or religious or national or racial or what have you) are shouted. The argument ends or fizzles out as people “agree to disagree,” get tired of arguing, or when some distraction arises.

These kinds of conflicts are always deeply unpleasant and divisive. They’re also almost never productive as each person tends to become entrenched in their beliefs. How can we avoid or better handle these kinds of conflicts? Or more minor conflicts like embarrassing stories we don’t want told, uncomfortable comments about our life choices, etc.?

Set Firm Boundaries to Avoid Family Conflict

Set Internal Boundaries

The first step is to set firm boundaries at a family event. This could include boundaries you establish for yourself and/or boundaries you establish with others. It’s easiest to establish boundaries with yourself. This could mean setting rules that you won’t bring up certain topics, you’ll excuse yourself if certain topics are brought up, or you’ll avoid triggering family members.

While setting boundaries for yourself is helpful for preserving your mental health, it can still make for awkwardness and hurt feelings and is a Bandaid on a bad situation. Setting boundaries with others is a healthy way of standing up for yourself and showing you value yourself and your family relationships.

Set Boundaries with Family or Friends

You might talk with your whole family or with select family members. Start positive and tell everyone how excited you are for some family time. You can then say that you value the diversity of beliefs and values in your family and want to make sure everyone has a great time. Consequently, you have decided that you will not discuss [insert controversial topics here] in order to make everyone feel comfortable and welcome. Note that you’d love it if others considered doing the same, but you leave the decision up to them.

By framing this as a decision you are making for yourself, you set boundaries and give others the autonomy to decide what they would like to do. Generally, people respond better to open invitations than being told to do something.

Likewise, if you have relatives hounding you about your life decisions, you can text your family and tell them that you value their concern about your life. However, you would prefer that they not ask you about getting married, having children, starting a new job, etc.

While boundary-setting conversations can feel super awkward, they’re a better way of handling conflict than resentful conversations and screaming matches. Plus, they can take some of the stress out of the holidays and make for more positive outcomes. So these kinds of conversations pay dividends in the long run.

Set Realistic Expectations

Many of us have high expectations for the holidays. This can lead to disappointment even in the absence of potential conflict. It’s understandable to hope that a Christmas celebration is joyous and wonderful. Or that Christmas morning feels like what you remember experiencing as a child. However, the reality is that the holiday season is also a time of stress.

And our memories are subject to selection bias. We tend to selectively remember the positive parts of nostalgic memories and discard the negative parts. Social media makes our focus on the positive side of events and neglect of the negative sides even worse. Given this, the holidays are rarely as perfect as we hope or remember. To ensure we enjoy and are present during the holidays, try to set realistic expectations.

This also holds for family members. No one is perfect and we can’t expect our family members to be either. Don’t expect your grandfather or adult child or whoever it is to have dramatically changed into the person you hope they become. This is not fair to the family member, your relationship, or you. For a variety of reasons, those kinds of transformations are, and should be, out of your hands.

Focus instead on what you can control: doing activities that excite you, making time for loved ones, and reframing your mindset.

Try to Maintain an Open Mind and Ask Questions

Let’s say a conflict still comes up at your family dinner. One option is to simply ignore the comment and change topics. This is an understandable route for preserving your mental health and the peace.

However, sometimes we may feel like we need to confront the issue if the comment is something that is hateful or perpetuates inequality. Yelling or putting people on the defensive generally backfires. Instead, professionals specializing in conflict resolution have found that the best strategy is to maintain an open mind and ask questions about why people feel the way they do. Really try to understand and make people feel heard. Then ask if you can offer your perspective.

The Example of Daryl Davis

In Adam Grant’s incredible book Think Again, he discusses a few examples of this. One example is Daryl Davis, a Black man who has helped 200 people leave the Ku Klux Klan. How does he do it? He uses people’s different beliefs as opportunities to get to know them, asking why people feel the way they do, what they care about, and how they feel about him. After a discussion, he invites them to consider his perspective and experiences.  

By maintaining a positive attitude and taking the high road instead of devolving into defensive strategies, he has helped people come to the realization themselves that their beliefs are in conflict with reality and their values. He doesn’t try to impose views or make any kind of hurtful comment. This strategy has led to real, positive change.

Of course, it’s super hard to be the bigger person in these situations. Especially for people who experience discrimination, stigma, and trauma, this is a hard ask. But it’s helpful to remember the most effective strategies for negotiating this kind of conflict if we feel like we need to or should confront it.

Voice Your Feelings During a Family Conflict

Which brings me to my next point. Setting boundaries, maintaining an open mind and asking questions create healthier communication. In these cases, you can become the family mediator for better or worse. However, people who take on the role of family mediator often feel hesitant to express their own feelings. And feeling unable to voice your feelings is another sign of poor communication and unhealthy relationships.

If someone is making you feel sad, hurt, uncomfortable, angry, or any other strong emotions, you deserve to voice that. The classic way of doing so is to focus on how someone’s comments or actions make you feel. This is a classic conflict resolution tactic because it isn’t accusing, but it helps the person reflect on how their actions affect people’s emotions. This may be an especially helpful tactic for addressing any toxic sibling rivalries that lead to hurtful comments or actions.

You can say something like, “You know, when you do/say [X] it makes me feel [X].” You can go further and say, “I value our relationship and it makes me feel sad that our interactions can turn negative. Do you think we can try to have healthier communication with each other?” You can even outline what would make you feel better.

Once again, you can’t control others’ reactions. But you can do yourself a favor by voicing your feelings and practicing open communication.

Have a Script to Respond to Family Conflict

There might be awkward topics you know will come up and cause holiday conflict. It might be comments on your career path, choice to have children or not, political beliefs, etc. If there is a topic you know will come up, try preparing a scripted response.

For example, if someone asks when you’re going to have children, get a promotion, etc., you might say, “I’m really happy with where my life is right now. You’ll be one of the first to know if I make any life changes.” If they keep pestering with questions, just repeat your canned phrase with a, “Like I said, I’m really happy with where my life is right now.” Having a canned response can take the stress out of waiting for someone to ask a dreaded question.

Likewise, if someone tries to bait you with a controversial question, you might say, “I’m really enjoying today, I’d like to focus on being in the present with everyone.” This kind of response shuts down the conversation and also subtly draws attention to the fact that they are trying to cause conflict. It should hopefully make them aware that doing so is inappropriate for the occasion.

Avoid Triggers for Family Conflict

Some people are incredibly socially aware normally, but lose all sense of social cues when they’re exposed to certain triggers like alcohol, the media, or stressful situations. If you or others in your family have triggers that promote family conflict, try to remove those triggers from the environment.

This might mean limiting alcohol intake by only getting a couple of bottles of champagne for the whole family, implementing a no TV rule for the holidays if the news is triggering, or, as mentioned above, setting boundaries on certain topics. Avoiding triggers goes a long way towards limiting family conflict and the need to manage it.

Preserve Your Mental Health

If all of this sounds overwhelming to tackle on top of existing holiday stress, that’s totally understandable. Our daily lives are already busy and stressful enough without old hurts and conflicts coming along. Make sure to look out for your mental health throughout the holidays, regardless of whether conflict comes up or not.

For example, schedule in alone time for self-care activities like a bubble bath or relaxing holiday movie. Consider meditating or journaling to help you gain perspective on your feelings and vent any internal conflict you might be experiencing. I have 61 holiday-themed journal prompts to help you get started.

If you don’t already, you might consider seeing a therapist or professional counselor as well.

Finally, remember that you can’t control others’ responses, only your own. As a result, others’ responses are a reflection largely of themselves, not of you. So, as hard as it is, try not to take conflicts personally and instead focus on doing what’s right for you.

Establish an Escape Route

Part of preserving your mental health may involve having an escape route from any sort of major conflict. This escape route could simply be a plan to go to another room or to call a friend or loved one if things get too difficult. Or it could even be leaving the event entirely. Either way, having a plan for if things get bad could help you feel less stressed going into the event.

Of course, if you fear you will be in danger or if you ever are in danger, that’s a big problem that should be addressed immediately. If you or others are the victim of domestic violence, call the police or the Domestic Violence hotline (800-799-7233) as soon as you can.

If you fear your phone or internet search is being tracked, you might consider enlisting the help of a trusted friend or relative to lend you their phone or drive you directly to a police station. Note that you can clear your browser history by hitting CTRL+H and then clicking “Clear Browser History” or deleting specific URLs.

Public resources like libraries are also great places to seek support and anonymously seek out resources on their computers.

Consider Seeing a Therapist

As mentioned above, a therapist is immensely helpful for addressing personal mental health concerns. However, a family therapist can also be a huge help with conflict resolution among family members. They can help with attachment style, communication strategies, and so much more. You can find great family therapy resources on Psychology Today.

Final Thoughts

The holidays are a magical time, but for many families they can be fraught with conflict. Learning to manage interpersonal conflicts is a huge adulting skill that will benefit you in so many areas of your life. And these skills help you establish better boundaries with yourself. At the end of the day, that might be the greatest present of all.

So I hope you can use these tips to have a happy holiday season or, at least, as author Tara Schuster would say, an AFGO (another f***ing growth opportunity) holiday season.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider liking, subscribing, or sharing with others. It’s always a huge help and the best present you could give me! And if you’re interested in related topics, check out my posts on setting boundaries, my ultimate holiday planning guide, and eco-friendly, low-cost gift ideas.