The Transformative Power of Love Languages + Free Worksheet

During the holiday season, love is one of the major things on many of our minds. We might wish we had more love in our lives. Or we may reflect on complex relationships with family members or friends. Perhaps we are feeling nostalgic for lost loves. Or gratitude for the love in our lives and the chance to spend more time with our loved ones. Many of us are likely experiencing a mix of these feelings. One way of developing stronger relationships with our friends, family members, and partners, is by understanding how we express and receive love through love languages.

Marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman developed the concept of love languages. Many of us may be familiar with these concepts, though we might not know practical ways to apply these concepts in real life.

In this post, I’ll go over the concept of love languages and how to assess your own and others’ love languages. I also provide a free printable love languages worksheet and quiz to help you reflect on how you and your loved ones express love.

What are Love Languages?

As mentioned above, love languages are the ways we tend to express love towards others. They are also the ways we most want to receive love from others.

So what are the types of love languages?

There are five love languages: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts. Many of us have one or two love languages that we primarily identify with. Additionally, many people develop their love languages during childhood based on their interactions with loved ones and caregivers. 

Quality Time

People with the first love language, quality time, express their love by spending time with people and giving them their undivided attention. If your love language is quality time, you might express love by regularly calling or visiting your parents. You may schedule walks with friend. Or you might prioritize device-free dinner conversations with your partner. 

If you have this love language, you may feel unloved if you don’t get this kind of undivided attention, even if your loved ones express love in different ways. You may also feel unloved or unsatisfied if you spend time with people but they don’t have their full attention on your interactions. For example, if your child’s love language is quality time, they may act out if you spend a lot of time on your phone during your interactions.

Words of Affirmation

The second love language is words of affirmation. Those who identify with this love language feel loved when their friends, family, and partners tell them affectionate or validating things. In return, they express their love by saying affectionate and validating things. As an example, people with this love language may frequently say “I love you.” And they likely want to hear it in return. Or they may consistently praise their children’s efforts.

On the flip side, people with this love language may feel unfulfilled if they don’t receive these affirming words. They may become dissatisfied at work if they don’t receive words of affirmation from their boss. Or they may feel unloved if their partner doesn’t tell them “good job” after a win or “I love you” at the end of the day.

Physical Affection

Physical affection or physical touch is the third love language. Those with a love for physical affection may be considered “huggers.” Likewise, they may frequently hug and kiss their partners and seek out physical intimacy. They may also frequently hug and cuddle their children, friends, and pets. At the same time, introverted people with this love language may find it difficult to express physical affection, especially in social settings, even if they like to receive that kind of affection. 

Those with this love language may feel unloved in relationships where their partners do not reciprocate physical affection. People not in a relationship may also experience a decline in mental health if they do not receive physical affection from friends and family members.

Acts of Service

For acts of service, people express their love by doing kind and thoughtful things for others. These acts of service can range from the seemingly mundane to the very big. Someone with this love language might take out the trash or pick up a prescription when their partner is sick. They might plan a vacation. Or they may become a stay-at-home parent to support their partner’s career. Regardless of the size of acts of service, they all express love by showing that the person is willing to make a time and effort sacrifice to support their loved one.

People with this love language also like to receive acts of service. A “thank you,” may be great. However, they may feel especially appreciated if you return an act of service by doing something nice for them. For example, you could take on the cleaning one weekend or cook their favorite meal.

My partner Andrew is incredible at acts of service. He’s always going out of his way to make things easier for me, like going to the store when I forgot something. While acts of service is not my primary love language, I try to make sure I’m consistently doing nice things for him in return.

Gifts

In some ways, this love language is similar to acts of service. However, instead of gifting time, you are generally gifting goods or services that frequently cost money. Some people view this as a more materialistic love language. However, as someone who loves giving gifts, I don’t see it that way. Rather, people with this love language show they care by spending effort, money, and thought to get a loved one something meaningful. Similar to quality time and acts of service, it therefore involves sacrifice.

And these gifts can widely range in value. Someone might express this love language by giving a little gift. For instance, I bought Andrew a cookie he wanted to try. Or it can be something very large, like the Mt. Rainier trip I bought Andrew our first year of dating. I obviously both love gifts and am a crazy romantic. P.S. I’m so glad he didn’t get spooked by my over-the-top present.

Many people with this love language realize that they are not likely to receive gifts throughout the year. However, they may feel unloved if they don’t receive thoughtful presents, especially at key holidays like birthdays and Christmas or Hanukkah. They may also appreciate occasional gifts like flowers or a favorite candy.

Why are Love Languages Important?

The Importance of Understanding Our Love Languages

As mentioned above, most of us have one or two primary love languages, even if we identify with more of them. For example, while I love giving gifts, I identify most with physical affection and quality time. My love languages have evolved over time as well. I only recognized physical affection as key for my emotional needs once I started dating Andrew. I recognize now that was mainly because I hadn’t been comfortable with previous partners.

Understanding our love languages is so important because they have a big effect on our mental health. We may feel depressed and lonely even if we are surrounded by loved ones if we don’t receive love in a way that we identify with. This can cause us to feel like there’s something wrong with us or our relationships. We may also feel confused about why we feel insecure in good relationships. By understanding our love languages, we can better communicate our needs to loved ones and feel understood on a deeper level.

The Importance of Understanding Others’ Love Languages

Likewise, it’s very important to understand others’ love languages. If we don’t understand others’ love languages, we may unintentionally make them feel unloved or dissatisfied. This can lead to lower relationship satisfaction. It’s also most likely to occur if your primary love languages differ from those of your partner, friends, or family members.

If your partner is doing lots of acts of service and you are giving them lots of words of affection, neither of you may recognize the love the other person is trying to express. You may feel misunderstood and like your partner does not love you as much as you love them, even if that is very much not the case. 

Like Andrew and I, if you understand that your love languages differ, you can both work to give and receive love in the ways that the other identifies with. Plus, you may find that while one love language differs, the other overlaps. This can be a great area to highlight in your relationship.

An Example of Love Languages at Work

I’m watching Gilmore Girls right now. I’m super late to the game on this fantastic show. However, there are two characters that come to mind when I think about the value of understanding other people’s love languages. In the show, the protagonist Lorelai Gilmore has a strained relationship with her mother Emily Gilmore.

Lorelai has always wanted her mother to tell her that she’s doing a good job and that she loves her. However, Emily struggles with these kinds of words of affection. In contrast, Emily wants to provide acts of service and gifts to Lorelai and her daughter Rory. She wants to feel needed and to support her daughter. However, Lorelai is very independent and chafes at any offer of service. Neither of them expresses love in the way that the other wants. Over time, they learn to communicate and understand one another better. However, if they had been clearer from the get go about how they express love, neither of them would have felt as misunderstood and unloved by the other.

How to Figure Our Your Own Love Languages

The first step to figure out your own love language is to reflect on when you have felt most loved and understood. Try writing a list of the top 5 things that come to mind. As part of this, you might consider what made you feel loved growing up. Indeed, the love languages of children frequently persist into adulthood.

Next, assess how you express love to others. If you’re in a relationship, you might think about what you like to do on your anniversary or for your partner’s birthday. When you want to do something nice for your partner, what does that look like? If you see overlap between how you most naturally express love and what makes you feel most loved, there’s a good chance that’s your main love language.

If you’re stumped, you might ask close friends and family what they think your love language is and see if the answers resonate.

Another great way to assess your love languages is to take one of the many love language quizzes. I’ve provided a printable love languages worksheet below that includes a free quiz. You can take this quiz and give it to others if you’d like, no email sign-ups required.

How to Assess Others’ Love Languages

It’s often harder to assess other people’s love languages. Obviously the simplest way to evaluate their love language is to ask them. One of the best ways of avoiding later conflict is to ask about your partner’s love language early in your romantic relationship. You can also have them take a quiz if they don’t know their love language.

If you can’t ask them or have them take a quiz, things can be a little harder. This might be the case if you’re trying to assess your child’s primary love language. Instead, reflect on when you have seen them the happiest and most secure. You can even ask them about their happiest memories or the happiest memories they have of your relationship. 

If a child’s love language is words of affirmation, they might say their happiest memory was when they scored the winning goal in a soccer game and received a lot of praise from you and their teammates. Or if it’s quality time they might reflect on a special trip you took together. 

Also look for clues in your loved ones’ behavior. You might try a fun challenge where you express each kind of love towards them throughout the week and see how they respond. If you give them a present and they brush it off, perhaps gifts are not their love language. If you give them a hug and they happily reciprocate, maybe you should practice more physical affection. Clues are everywhere if you take the time to look for them.

Printable Love Languages Worksheet

The idea of love languages is accessible and relatable for many people. However, it’s easy to say you’ll be more understanding of others’ love languages, and it’s another thing to actually remember to practice that. I developed this love languages worksheet for you to print out at home. You can use it as a reminder and reference. You can also use the quiz to gauge your own and others’ love languages.

Simply download the PDF file and print it at home or your local library or print shop.

The Practical Application of Love Languages

Once you get in the habit of noticing your own and others’ different love languages, I hope you find it easier to communicate and show heartfelt commitment to your loved ones. Learning your love languages can pave the way for easier communication and more rewarding relationships. Remember, try to express love towards your loved ones based on what they would like. 

And make sure you tell your loved ones how you prefer to receive love. Continue communicating until it becomes a habit. Actually, continue communicating after that too, communication is always great.

You can also check out this great post on how to express your love language on a daily basis.

I hope you enjoyed this article! If you did, please consider liking, subscribing or sharing with others. If you’re interested in related content, check out my posts on inexpensive date ideas, wedding planning, dealing with conflict during the holidays, how to know when to break up with someone, and how to set boundaries.

Finally, remember that I am not a therapist. If you are struggling in your relationships, consider seeking the help of therapist, couples’ therapist, or family therapist.